"Help Out Your Brothers In Christ!" - the Bikini Debacle

AKA It's not my job to make it so a man won't stare at me

We've all heard it. Of course, by we I mean women.

"Dress modestly so you don't tempt the men!" or "Help out your brothers in Christ by keeping your body covered!"

Why don't I ever hear those people tell men to keep their shirts on because it'll tempt the girls? Oh, right, yes, because men struggle with lust.

...and women don't? Yeah, okay.

Let's say okay, sure, men struggle with lust. All men. Good.Why should I have to manipulate myself so that men don't fall to their own problems? I guess you're saying that men are completely unable to control themselves? That men don't think about what they're doing?

Men are better than that. And guess what? If I want to wear a bikini on the beach and a man struggles with lust, you know, maybe he shouldn't go to the beach. Where a lot of women wear bikinis. Wow, look, common sense.

We are not obligated to censor ourselves just to make lives easier for men.

I'm absolutely tired of hearing "oh well, look at what she was wearing. She was asking for it." No amount of clothing or lack thereof is an open invitation to men (or other women, let's be real here) to indulge in their lust and belief that they can have what they see because they want it.

So you know what? If I believe I can wear a bikini and I want to wear one, I'm gonna wear one. It's not my fault if someone falters over their lust because of what I'm wearing.

In Regards to "Internet Friendship"

AKA Some of My Best Friends Are People I've Never Met IRL

Growing up, I heard "Don't talk to strangers on the Internet! They'll turn out to just be creepy old men!" or "You can't trust people on the Internet, they'll just lie to you and make up things!" And sure, I'm sure that does happen. I'm not saying it doesn't. This advice had me being more conscious online of how I presented myself and how much I trusted others.

Story time: One day, I noticed a blog advertising a Game Night. "Just come on and jump in, we'll have loads of fun!" I'd been following this blog for a while and it was the middle of July and I wasn't doing anything so I said, "Oh, why not? Let's play some games." We shared common interests in Rooter Teeth (which is why I'd followed the blog in the first place) but we quickly spiraled into talking about anything and everything. That night, I laughed so hard I cried and I decided that these people, who I'd played games with for like 5 hours, were friends.

That one Game Night turned into a few more until we were having Game Night two or three times a week. We started off going by usernames or nicknames, no real names or information really, but the longer we talked and played it became obvious that they were (mostly) normal people and not creepy old men trying to kidnap me (jury's still out on Kelsey though ;) )

A little while longer and we were all in a Skype chat together and I talked (and talk) to these people so consistently and about everything, that I felt liked we'd all been friends forever. I made friends across the nation and across the world.

I think the biggest appeal of my Game Night crew is that we've made it a Safe Place. A few number of us suffer from anxiety, for example, so we offer the chat as a place to come and vent, or get cheered up, or just to chill. There's no pressures within our chat: you can talk for days in a row or duck out for a few or if you need to check out in the middle of the day? Sure! We've worked hard to have a Safe Place. We can talk about literally anything.

Another appeal, for me personally, is that the barrier of a few thousand (or few hundred thousand) miles and a computer screen makes it easy to talk about difficult things with my friends. Yes, I talk with my IRL friends, I do, and I trust them, but sometimes the idea of telling someone and then knowing you have to face them sooner rather than later isn't so appealing, especially with anxiety. The Game Night crew are so willing and eager to listen to just about anything and everything.

The Game Night crew are now some of my best friends. They're supportive and amazing and I love them. And sometimes it really makes me sad that they're all so far away and I can't hug them when I want to or just go hang out for the day.

So, to everyone, yes, be careful on the Internet. But don't be afraid to try and make friends either.

And to Kelsey, Alex, Kayla, Spoon, KP, Sassi, Kota, Shelby, Trinn, Em (and anyone I may have left out, I'm sorry!) I love y'all. Happy GNA Anniversary and here's hoping for many more! <3 <3

"Worrying is a Waste of Time"

Alternate title: "Don't Worry About It, Its in God's Hands"
Alternate title part two: "My Take on Anxiety and God in Relation to Worry"

Now don't get me wrong right off the bat. I know and recognize and believe that our worries can be given to God and that He'll take care of them. God is able to take our worries from us and grant us peace. But as an Anxious Person, it is extremely hard to let go of worry. Maybe an example will help.

It's storming (for those of you who don't know, I don't handle bad storms well). I don't mean a small thunderstorm, I mean howling winds, bending trees, lashing rain, and the little scroll-bar on the news channel that says 'tornado warning'. I (along with various other people, children, and a smattering of small dogs) do not enjoy tornadoes, therefore my go-to reaction to this is to worry.

It's not a quiet worry. It's a worry I can feel all over, in the veins at my wrist and in every beat of my heart. It's almost fear that this anxiety creates. My brain can rationalize that I shouldn't be this worried about a storm and my grandma reassures me that we just have to pray and put it in God's hands.

Which I do, of course I do. But sometimes anxiety can be all-consuming in a way that it eats away even as my belief that God is in control still stands.

Because what if it is God's plan that something bad happens (because He never promised us that life would be easy and without trouble)?

Because what if, ok sure, something doesn't happen to me, but what if it happens to someone I know?

Because what if...?

I know worrying is a waste of time. I know. You're not telling me anything new.

Wired Wrong

First of all, listen to this song.

Now, moving on to the point: as someone who suffers from anxiety, I often feel like I am, as the song says, wired wrong. There’s something wrong with my brain, with me, that limits me and curses me, and makes me want to hate myself. People say “Just get over it” or “Grow up already” as if it’s that simple a fix, as if I just have one metaphorical wire misplaced that needs to be readjusted. But to me, it’s not that simple. I’m a mass of jumbled wires, some connecting where they shouldn’t, some not connected at all.

Now, this was a previous belief of mine. That’s not to say I don’t still feel like jumbled wire but I’ve come to realize something else: no one is wired “right”. There is no correct way to be wired. There is no one person who is perfect and ok. Everyone has their misplaced wires and faulty connections. To put such belief in other people at the expense of yourself can deteriorate you personally.

Even though there is no “right” way to be wired, I still feel like I, personally, and other people as well will hold themselves to that sort of standard. I’ll probably feel like there’s just something off for a while. I’m not finished growing into myself and growing into being comfortable with myself. However, one day, I hope that I can come to terms happily and contentedly with how I’m wired and be able to accept that that’s just who I am and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Anxiety with Friendships & Relationships

Preface: This did not come out nearly as organized as I had hoped it would, but I needed and wanted to get this all out and I can't be bothered to sift through everything and make it any more coherent than it is.

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Ok, imagine being the third wheel around a couple. They're still your friends and they still try to include you in what's going on but they defer to one another and sometimes you wonder why you came along and if they would miss you if you weren't there.

That's how I feel when I socialize a lot. 

I actually do enjoy being around people. Really truly. But being around people also can terrify me. 

It's much easier if I'm with close friends that I feel more comfortable with. It's easier when the people I hang out with know I have anxiety and know that's just how I am. I love to spend time with people I like and go do things and have adventures. But it's also just so hard for me to be left on my own in this new place.

I hate going to restaurants for the first time. I hate having to order food at new restaurants. I hate going to someone's house I've never been to before (I also have problems with houses I have been to before, to be honest). 

All in all, I think that implies that I hate the idea of doing something wrong and having people know and see and react. 

I hate being vulnerable. I don't like putting myself out there for people to see clearly and know and I know that must be how I come across. My sense of humor is sarcasm, scathing remarks, and it's really all something I do in an attempt to keep myself calm and together. Humor is the best thing I can wield in social situations that allow me to present myself in a way that says "Yes, I'm enjoying thing obviously duh".

I feel like I'm to clingy when I go places with people I know. I stick with them and always feel like maybe I'm annoying them, maybe they'd prefer to be alone. 

I am a dedicated person. When I decide that I love/like someone, I am in it for the long haul. I do my best to be whatever my friends need and I like to think that I am able to allow that to show through. I fear sometimes that people don't necessarily recognize at all times that I have anxiety and that it's something that I will deal with and I'm not sure people really grasp that this is a real thing. 

Beyond friendships? Any intimate relationships in which I have to trust this other person enough to be so entirely honest with them absolutely terrifies me. The idea of investing myself in someone not knowing if they're also that invested or if they even feel the same way....

I pray that when I do find the person for me that they're able to accept me, anxiety and all. That they'll be able to understand that it's something I have to work with and around and that I try to not let it control me. 

How I (Personally) Deal with Anxiety

Writing is definitely my favored way to deal with anxiety. I don't have to just write about my anxiety, and most of the time I don't, but just putting words on a page (or screen, in most cases) helps me get my thoughts and feelings in some organized shape. But I don't always have access to writing supplies so I have some other things I do.

I will read. Reading has always been calming to me, since I can fall into someone else's life and story and forget about mine for a while.

I will play video games. While not always the most happy of games (Fallout 3 ending, anyone? Mass Effect 3 ending?), I am in absolute control. Something goes wrong? I'll just reload a save. No big deal (why can't real life do that, huh?).

I will stay inside and to myself. Though, I'm not sure this is the best way to handle anxiety, by keeping it bottled up and to myself, sometimes I do just need the time alone. 

I will keep quiet. I do tend to get anxious in groups and as a result, I'll be fairly quiet. My anxiety tends to make me hyper-aware during interactions, especially in groups (and I always feel like what I have to say isn't important, or relevant, or that no one will listen anyway so why open my mouth). 

I will absolutely follow people around. I do not like to be in a new place (or any place generally) on my own. So I will stay fairly close to someone I am comfortable with (and then spend the whole time worrying that I'm bothering them, of course). 

Lately, however? I've been forcing myself to kind of....ignore my anxiety. Maybe ignore isn't the right word. I recognize that I'm anxious and force myself to do what I wouldn't normally do. I'm putting myself out there more, I'm hanging out with people I didn't used to, and I'm trying to get to where I'm more comfortable with myself around people. 

Living with Anxiety (Personally)

Anxiety is kind of like caring too much about everything.

It's walking into a room full of people and feeling every single eye on you, criticizing how you're dressed, how your hair is, how you walk.

It's trying on new clothes and keeping yourself from buying them because "they don't fit your 'normal style' and everyone will notice and care and point it out" or "it's too loud/different and everyone will notice and care and judge."

It's thinking "I can go to that party/gathering/group dinner!" and getting there and having your insides try to eat themselves, feeling like your drowning and can never quite catch your breath.

It's relying on routine: wake up, go to classes, lunch, room (recharge), dinner, repeat. Something goes wrong, or disrupts the routine, and you're left fumbling for something to hang on to.

It's being afraid to hug someone new because "what if i hug them weird" or "what if I accidentally touch somewhere off limits" or "what if I don't give good hugs".

It's tiptoeing around new people and sticking close to people you do know, because "what if I say something wrong" and "people i know are safe".

It's thinking about how everything could go wrong.

It's thinking that everything you do could be bad or dumb or wrong.

It's feeling like your heart will beat out of your chest, and you can't quite breath, and you're pretty certain that you'll throw up, and you can't keep your thoughts calm.

That's what anxiety is like for me. Sometimes it's not this extreme, and sometimes it's worse. I've gotten better about how I handle it. I won't say I have a true Anxiety Disorder (General, Social, etc) because I'm not diagnosed, so please don't think that's what I'm saying.

I feel like this is just something important for people to read, not just because it's about me, but because maybe it'll give someone an insight on how it feels to have and deal with anxiety.