Wired Wrong

First of all, listen to this song.

Now, moving on to the point: as someone who suffers from anxiety, I often feel like I am, as the song says, wired wrong. There’s something wrong with my brain, with me, that limits me and curses me, and makes me want to hate myself. People say “Just get over it” or “Grow up already” as if it’s that simple a fix, as if I just have one metaphorical wire misplaced that needs to be readjusted. But to me, it’s not that simple. I’m a mass of jumbled wires, some connecting where they shouldn’t, some not connected at all.

Now, this was a previous belief of mine. That’s not to say I don’t still feel like jumbled wire but I’ve come to realize something else: no one is wired “right”. There is no correct way to be wired. There is no one person who is perfect and ok. Everyone has their misplaced wires and faulty connections. To put such belief in other people at the expense of yourself can deteriorate you personally.

Even though there is no “right” way to be wired, I still feel like I, personally, and other people as well will hold themselves to that sort of standard. I’ll probably feel like there’s just something off for a while. I’m not finished growing into myself and growing into being comfortable with myself. However, one day, I hope that I can come to terms happily and contentedly with how I’m wired and be able to accept that that’s just who I am and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Anxiety with Friendships & Relationships

Preface: This did not come out nearly as organized as I had hoped it would, but I needed and wanted to get this all out and I can't be bothered to sift through everything and make it any more coherent than it is.

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Ok, imagine being the third wheel around a couple. They're still your friends and they still try to include you in what's going on but they defer to one another and sometimes you wonder why you came along and if they would miss you if you weren't there.

That's how I feel when I socialize a lot. 

I actually do enjoy being around people. Really truly. But being around people also can terrify me. 

It's much easier if I'm with close friends that I feel more comfortable with. It's easier when the people I hang out with know I have anxiety and know that's just how I am. I love to spend time with people I like and go do things and have adventures. But it's also just so hard for me to be left on my own in this new place.

I hate going to restaurants for the first time. I hate having to order food at new restaurants. I hate going to someone's house I've never been to before (I also have problems with houses I have been to before, to be honest). 

All in all, I think that implies that I hate the idea of doing something wrong and having people know and see and react. 

I hate being vulnerable. I don't like putting myself out there for people to see clearly and know and I know that must be how I come across. My sense of humor is sarcasm, scathing remarks, and it's really all something I do in an attempt to keep myself calm and together. Humor is the best thing I can wield in social situations that allow me to present myself in a way that says "Yes, I'm enjoying thing obviously duh".

I feel like I'm to clingy when I go places with people I know. I stick with them and always feel like maybe I'm annoying them, maybe they'd prefer to be alone. 

I am a dedicated person. When I decide that I love/like someone, I am in it for the long haul. I do my best to be whatever my friends need and I like to think that I am able to allow that to show through. I fear sometimes that people don't necessarily recognize at all times that I have anxiety and that it's something that I will deal with and I'm not sure people really grasp that this is a real thing. 

Beyond friendships? Any intimate relationships in which I have to trust this other person enough to be so entirely honest with them absolutely terrifies me. The idea of investing myself in someone not knowing if they're also that invested or if they even feel the same way....

I pray that when I do find the person for me that they're able to accept me, anxiety and all. That they'll be able to understand that it's something I have to work with and around and that I try to not let it control me.